


You know. I don't know...

by SCH



Category: Mass Effect Trilogy
Genre: ... kinda, Canon Compliant, F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-19
Updated: 2017-12-21
Packaged: 2019-02-10 22:18:46
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 8
Words: 11,552
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12921378
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SCH/pseuds/SCH
Summary: Seven moments I thought defined their relationship, and then a last moment to bring it all together.





	1. Love It or Leave It

**Author's Note:**

  * For [AFereldanMage](https://archiveofourown.org/users/AFereldanMage/gifts).



> This is just me, messing around. Please ignore me!  
> This is a gift to my cousin. Love you cuz~ <3
> 
> Summary:  
> This is the Commander Shepard I played during my latest play-through, and I fell in love with her and Kaidan together. The Kaidan I saw during the game that is, not the canon version of him, because damn is Kaidan kinda boring when the Mass Effect team wrote him. This is my human Shepard, neither renegade nor paragon, born on Earth and the sole survivor of her team. She never had any real friends or enemies before she joined the Normandy crew, and with time she came to see them as her family... and there is **nothing** she wouldn't do for her family.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is how I've always seen the Shepard and Kaidan relationship when intimate. Sorry, not sorry. Heh!

“Careful, you’ll distract me from saving the galaxy.” Shepard teased with a twinkle in her eyes, and she could see Kaidan was on board with the flirting. Finally. She had been trying to get him into bed for a long time now, and she was getting impatient. No real feelings from her part, not yet, but what Kaidan felt she couldn’t say. It was worth the risk though. She needed someone close before they went to face Saren and Sovereign, and Kaidan was the perfect candidate. It might seem a bit cold of her, but she really didn’t know anything about love or affection. Those kinds of emotions had been burned out of her from an early age growing up on Earth, alone… vulnerable. She had been betrayed, hurt, and thrown away too many times to be quite sane anyway. 

“It will take care of itself one of these days… or nights.” Kaidan looked a bit embarrassed, but also hopeful, and for a second Shepard felt bad for him. He was a good and sensitive guy, and she wasn’t good enough for him. “Shepard, you are hard to step away from. Let’s get this done, Commander, the sooner the better.” 

Shepard winked at him and bit her lip, and Kaidan blushed but didn’t back down. It was kind of impressive how he stood his ground and gave as good as he got. She almost wished she could feel something for him, something strong and real. To love him would have been great, but she would have to settle for a night of hot sex instead. A damn shame, because he deserved better.

***

Kaidan entered her cabin with a small strut and Shepard smiled on the inside. If he only knew how sexy he could be, but she knew he didn’t really see it in himself. “Commander.”

“You probably shouldn’t call me that.” Shepard rolled her eyes, and sighed. “I probably shouldn’t even be wearing this uniform.”

“Yeah, hell of a thing.” Kaidan didn’t look overly bothered by it, but Shepard could tell he was. She was sure he would have taken her down or killed her himself if he didn’t believe they were doing the right thing. He was so transparent most times. A sweetheart really. “… we’re hell of an example of humanities best and brightest, huh?”

Shepard stood firm in front of him with a hard face and said, “We’re doing the right thing. We have to believe that, we have to know it, because this fight is about to get ugly.”

Kaidan nodded and hummed his agreement. “Well, if I didn’t think you were doing the right thing I wouldn’t be here. If things don’t go well I want you to know… well, I’ve enjoyed serving under you.”

She chuckled and moved closer to her lieutenant, placing a hand on his waist. “Kaidan, I don’t think I’ve had the pleasure if your serving under me.” Her voice changed to seductive and smooth, and she could see Kaidan swallow. “Don’t you think it’s time to rectify that?”

“Ouch. I walked right into that, didn’t I?” His eyes twinkled, as he chuckled softly. Oh god, she was going to crush him. He was just too soft. “We could get drummed out of the service for fraternization. Of course, we’d probably get the firing squad for mutiny. You know what? You are right. About everything. I think about losing you and I can’t stand it. The galaxy will just keep going, everything, even the Reapers will come ‘round again. But you and I… we, are important right now. This is what will never happen again, us. Shepard, you make me feel… human.”

He sounded so serious and sincere and Shepard was a little lost. Did she really want to use him for her own needs when he felt this for her? Fucking hell. The slight pause made him frown softly at her, and she shook herself out of her funk. It was too late now. She needed him, and he probably wouldn’t complain if he knew her mind. Probably. Who was she kidding, she knew he would be out of here in a second. Somehow that made her hold on to him harder. “I can make you feel much more than that. Come here.”

“Is that an order, commander?” Kaidan licked him lips, and Shepard saw something there. Oh, this would be good. No, this would be great. 

“Just shut up and get over here.” She grinned and pulled him close, sneaking a leg in between his, and she could hear him hiss softly. 

“Careful, Shepard, I might think you’re abusing your authority here. Serious breach of protocol.” He sounded like he wanted nothing more, and she grabbed him close and kissed him long and hard. His hard and perfect body under hers melted against her and she grinned into the kiss. This was a man used to serve and following orders, and… he wanted it. She could use that.

They kissed for a long time, hard and almost desperate, and she ended the kiss with a deep breath and a hand on Kaidan’s shoulder. With a firm voice she said, “Kaidan.” And she could see his pupils dilate as he sucked in a sharp breath. “Get undressed.”

“Yeah, yes, of course.” He breathed as he started to undress before her, his eyes never leaving her calm and composed face. 

“Good.” She looked at him undressing while a tingle went down her spine and pooled at her center. It was a rush to have all that power and devotion under her control. Better than anything she’d ever felt before, and it made her slightly nervous, but she pushed any uncomfortable feelings aside. She was going to enjoy this. “You look amazing.”

“Why, thank you.” He was blushing as he stood naked before her, but he didn’t hide. It made her want to break him down, make him beg and squirm, and she growled softly. She pushed him back onto the bed and climbed on top of him with something close to desperation. All that naked skin under her hands made her feel amazing, and from the sounds Kaidan was making he was feeling just as awesome. 

“I want you.” She growled deeply, and Kaidan nodded and made room for her between his legs with a content sigh. They continued to kiss for a long time while Shepard felt her way all over his perfect body, it tingled under her fingertips and she could feel them both get charged with biotic static energy. It felt amazing, and the more excited they got the more intense the feeling became. Kaidan moaned and made sounds somewhere between pleasure and pain, as the pressure built, and it turned her on like crazy. 

“Shepard, please.” Kaidan pleaded, trying to get her naked, but she only nibbled his throat and held his hand in hers. No, this was her show. 

“Kaidan.” She breathed against his lips, and he sighed and relaxed under her. The static energy building between them calming somewhat, but she knew it was just below the surface, simmering. There we go, she thought as she stroked his sides. Just give into me, beautiful. Which he did, in a very satisfying way, eventually, and Shepard rewarded him by stroking his erect flesh a couple of times. He buckled beautifully under her from this stimulus, and Shepard felt herself lose control slightly. She wanted him inside her now, immediately, but at the same time she wanted to drag it out even further. 

She was licking his sweaty throat, rubbing herself against him, when she felt him grip onto her with shaky hands. Why they were shaking she couldn’t understand, but she smiled to herself. To have Kaidan under her control like this felt like something she never knew she needed until she had it like this. It was a feeling so strong she was surprised by her own emotions, and her own shaking hands held on to Kaidan hard enough to leave bruises.

“Shh.” He breathed against her ear, and kissed her softly. 

This gentle handling of her made her choke up. No, she didn’t deserve it, didn’t want it, and with a shake of her head she sat up on his finely tuned stomach. With a grin she started to undress above him, and she had to stop him from helping. His hands were soon gripping the sheets with desperation mixed with desire, the static charge building between them again, and she hummed with appreciation. Her naked chest felt amazing under his heated gaze, and her nipples grew hard and ready as he moaned. To feel his body vibrate under her clothed genitalia felt amazing, and Shepard looked down at him with burning eyes. Kaidan’s eyes were burning with a different kind of intensity, and Shepard was floored when she figured it out. 

Love. 

She looked up at the ceiling and tried to breathe through the revelation. Kaidan loved her. The thought made her burn from the inside out, and she didn’t know if it that was a good or bad feeling. Her breath came fast as she moved above him, and when his hands stroked her toned stomach with gentle fingers she almost jumped from the bed. This was wrong. She was wrong. 

“Jane.” Kaidan breathed softly as he unbuttoned her pants and pulled them slowly off her. She moved with him to get them off, and then let him move her to sit on his erect flesh. He didn’t push inside of her, but let her move her soaked vagina against him. It felt good to move with him, and together they rubbed against each other, moaning and breathing loudly. Her hands soon found his, and she gripped them tight as she looked down at him. He looked completely wrecked and lost in sensation, and she hissed quietly as she sank down onto his erect flesh. Taking him into her with a long drawn out sigh. His unfocused eyes closed when she moved above him, and she knew she would remember this night. She might not love him, but this night had been special. Kaidan was special. 

“You are special to me, Kaidan.” She whispered quietly, but Kaidan didn’t hear her. He was too lost in sensations, his body glowing and vibrating with energy, and his hands shook in her grip. The sounds he made sounded like nothing she had ever heard, and she felt herself lose control of her biotics as well when he moved closer and closer to completion. 

“Jane.” He gasped as he threw his head back and came inside her with a long drawn out groan, his biotic charge pushing out of him like a gentle wave and it tingled all over her. She could feel him tremble between her thighs and then relax completely with a soft look on his face. And when he moved their entwined hands to stroke her to completion she gasped in surprise and came. Her own biotic charge sounding like a flash grenade before it flickered and died, and her head was thrown back as her chest pushed a sound she had never made from her throat. This was something she had never experienced before, like this, and she got lost in the sensation. 

When she came to Kaidan was holding her close and stroking her back softly. She wanted to push him away, but his gentle voice whispering sweet things made her relax completely. They could have that talk later, because right now all she wanted to do was hold Kaidan close. With a firm grip she did just that, and Kaidan chuckled softly against her lips. This was unexpected, but not completely unwelcomed. 

After a while Kaidan said against her hair, “It’s been a long time since I let a woman who…”

“Bridge to Commander Shepard, we’re five minutes out from the Mu relay.” Joker interrupted them, and Shepard pulled away from Kaidan.

“This was great, Kaidan.” She licked her lips with a wink and got dressed, but her heart was not really in it. Something in her had changed, and she didn’t know if it was for the better. None of that mattered though as she needed her focus on the mission. Easier said then done though as Kaidan sat naked before her. He sure was an excellent example of man. 

“Joker is waiting on the bridge.” Kaidan interrupted her when she got lost in thought, and she shook herself free of them. No time to lose. “I swear though, if anything happens to you…” He sounded so sincere and true, and she choked up. “Take care, Shepard.”

“Always.” She whispered, and left Kaidan in her bed without looking back. The mission came first. No matter what, she had to focus on surviving this shitstorm. Saren and Sovereign were going down, she was going to make sure of it. Failure was not acceptable. One wrong move and she was dead, like back on the streets of Earth. 

No way in hell! She was going to win, and for the first time in her life she saw someone other than herself standing at the battlefield. Kaidan, Garrus, Tali, Liara, Wrex, and even Joker were standing at her side. It gave her strength to move forward, to push for the impossible, and when she climbed into the Mako she was ready. Bring it on!


	2. Fake It 'til You Make It

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is the scenes that had my imagination running wild, and why I decided to write this fic. This is also my explanation as to why Shepard had such a bad fucking stamina thing going on in the second game.

Shepard came to slowly and heard voices talking all around her, a lot of voices, and it made her dizzy and she wanted to puke something terrible. The sensation was soon pushed away as she felt cool liquid flow into her veins. She tried to take stock, to assess the damage, -- her biotics were completely offline, and her senses muted -- but it was hard to stay calm and to try and breathe through the panic and pain. The voices continued as if nothing had happened and she tried to listen to them before the darkness pulled her under.

“… massive trauma…”

“… bones… broken…”

“… abdominal scaring…”

“… her brain… functional.”

“… brain activity decreasing…”

***

The second time she woke she could feel her biotic humming under her skin again and her senses back online, but her body wouldn’t move when she tried. It wasn’t tied to the bed anymore, but it felt too heavy to budge. She could keep her panic at bay slightly this time, but the pain pushed into her mind and fried all her systems. 

Two voices were talking around her, but she could only hiss in pain and try to keep her screams from pushing past her lips. What had happened to her? Where was she? Where were her crew, her friends? Oh shit, Kaidan!?

“… shepard -- don’t try to move. Just lie still. Try to stay calm.”

Calm!? Her crew might be dead! Screw calm! Ow my fuck, just get her out of this bed. She had to help her crew. Kaidan! She tried to kick the pain to the back of her mind, making her way from the bed, but the people around her wouldn’t let her move. They were going to keep her from her crew, and that wasn’t acceptable. It was the worst thing anyone could do to her. She would fight and claw her way back to them. Let her go, damn it!

“Heart rate still climbing. Brain activity is off the charts. Stats pushing into the red zone. It’s not working!”

“Another dose. Now!”

“Heart rate dropping. Stats falling back into normal range. That was too close. We almost lost her.”

“I told you your estimates were off. Run the numbers again.” 

Fuck you both! She thought as darkness pulled her under. I’m going to hurt you both for keeping me from my crew. Just you wait. She was going to bide her time, and when they least expected it she was going to strike. She had learned to be patient on the streets on Earth, it was often the difference between starvation and death. The timing of not rushing in too early and not too late was a skill she had perfected. They would never know what hit them. They were going to die, painfully.

***

“Wake up, Commander. Shepard, do you hear me?” A bodiless voice pushed into her mind and Shepard slowly shook of the darkness holding her mind. “… your scars aren’t healed, but I need you to get moving. This facility is under attack. There’s a pistol in the locker on the other side of the room. Hurry!” 

“Where? What? Where’s my crew?” Shepard touched her stomach and hissed, she hurt all over and her head felt like it was going to implode. The most unstable thing was her biotics though, as it kept flaring up and sending out pulses of energy every now and again. 

She could hardly breathe it hurt so much, and her stamina was shot to hell. It would take a long time to get back in any kind of physical shape. She didn’t even know how long she had been in this facility, damn it. Fuck, she could do this, she was trained to push through her limitations and she would. Slowly but steadily she pushed her way further and further into a sort of trance and punched through the pain and physical limitations of her body. Fake it ‘til she makes it or die, nothing less from her. Nothing else was acceptable.

“Shepard, focus!” The female voice said with a firm voice, and Shepard recognized it from before. This person was dead if she kept her from her crew. “Grab the pistol and armor from the locker.”

“Joker, Liara… oh my fuck, everyone. Kaidan?” She gasped in pain as she reached for the pistol, but as soon as she had the weapon in her hand her mind super focused -- a reflex of survival and military training kicked in and she was one hundred percent there. “I’m back on track. But this pistol doesn’t have a thermal clip.”

The voice sounded slightly amused as it said, “It’s a med bay. We’ll get you a clip from… damn it!”

Barely conscious and things were already fucked up. Lucky her she was used to this state of existing, or it would have been one hell of a wake-up call. So instead of worrying she found a thermal clip and loaded her pistol. Welcome back, Shepard, the chaos of the Universe missed you.


	3. I Would Do Anything

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jeez, but I hated this scene in the second game, but I guess I'll have to live with it...

“There is nothing we can do, they’re gone.” She tried to make the obviously upset Delan understand, but she knew she wouldn’t reach him. To lose everyone like that, she knew the feeling better than most. It would take time.

“Half the colony is in there. They took Egan, and Sam, and Lilith, do something!” Delan shouted to the sky, while they all watched the Collector ship disappear into space. 

“There’s nothing I can say. I did what I could.” She breathed out a deep sigh, and tried to push her exhaustion and pain to the side. Fuck, but she was not as formidable as she once had been. Not that she would let anyone notice, but she suspected Garrus, Joker, and Tali saw right through her. They had been with her from the beginning after all. 

“More than most, Shepard.” Garrus said with a calm voice, and Tali nodded and gave her a one-armed hug. Shepard looked to her friends with a small smile and took strength in their support, because she needed all the strength she could get. 

“Shepard? Wait, I know that name.” Delan looked at her with narrowed eyes. “Sure, I remember you. You’re some type of big Alliance hero.” She was about to tell him to stuff it when she heard a voice she thought had been lost to the Collectors. Fucking shit, thank fuck.

“Commander Shepard. Captain of the Normandy. The first human Specter. Savior of the Citadel.” Kaidan looked strong and confident as he walked towards them, and Shepard almost wanted to shout with joy. He had made it. Alive and well. “You’re in the presence of a legend, Delan, and a ghost.”

Delan didn’t look impressed at all, and Shepard smiled softly at him. She was happy not everyone in the Universe saw her as something bigger than she was, because in reality she was only an orphan with a rotten military history and a few lucky streaks. Nothing more, nothing less. “All the good people we lost, and you get left behind? Figures. Screw this, I’m done with you Alliance types.”

Kaidan dismissed Delan, as did she, and when he moved closer she held her breath. It looked like he was going to hug her, and when he did Shepard melted into his arms. This was just what she needed after so many months of nothing but pain. The illusion of comfort was soon broken and trampled to pieces as he opened his mouth. “I thought you were dead, Shepard. We all did.”

Damn it Kaidan! She swore softly to herself and she broke away from the hug with a pained hiss and shook her head. Not that she thought he would just accept her without question, but she thought he would look at her differently. Not like this. His face held nothing but suspicion and… was that hate? “You don’t sound too happy to see me, Kaidan?” 

“Why would I be? I spent the last two years believing you were dead! I thought we had something, Shepard. Something real.” He sounded hurt and tired, and she could understand those feelings perfectly. “I… I loved you. Thinking you were dead tore me apart. How could you put me through that? Why didn’t you try to contact me? Why didn’t you let me know you were alive?“

Those words tore her apart, and she wished she could have loved him like he obviously had loved her. But all she felt was a longing to be close. Nothing else. She was to broken to feel anything real for anyone, and maybe she should have told him this before. Her intentions to use him and throw him away had gone to hell and now she was paying the price for her cruelty. It was nothing more than she deserved, of course, but maybe if she had been honest from the start she could have spared him this pain and suffering. No one should miss her like Kaidan had done, it was just cruel. “Kaidan…” She wanted to apologize, but knew it was too late. “It was not my choice to stay away for so long. I spent the last two years in some kind of coma while Cerberus rebuilt me.”

Kaidan looked like he’d just received a punch to the gut as he looked at her long and hard. Fuck, she was just making this all worse. She should just leave and let Kaidan get on with his life. He didn’t really need her, and she would survive without him. The mission was the priority, and always had to be from now on. No more getting close to anyone. It just hurt too fucking much. 

“You’re with Cerberus now… Garrus and Tali too? I can’t believe our reports were right.”

“Reports? You mean you already knew?” Garrus sounded half annoyed, half suspicious, and Shepard thanked fuck he was here. The Turian had always been a great friend, and she knew she would need his help and support many times before this nightmare was over.

Kaidan narrowed his eyes at all of them, and Shepard took a step back from the obvious disgust and hate Kaidan was broadcasting. “Alliance intel thought Cerberus might be behind the missing human colonies. I got a tip this colony might be the next one to get hit. Anderson stonewalled me… but there were rumors you weren’t dead. That you were working for the enemy.”

She knew nothing she said would reach him, but in one part of her mind she was happy he would stay as far away from her as possible. Fuck, the further away the less likely he was to die from a Collector attack. This shit on Horizon was just a little too close for comfort. Maybe she could get him to leave in a fit, to hate her enough to stay the fuck away. Good idea. Go for it! “Nothing I say will convince you I’m doing this for the right reasons.”

“Do you really believe that? Or is that just what Cerberus wants you to think?” He looked close to furious, and his biotic power flared to life but died off just as quick. “I wanted to believe the rumors that you were alive, but I never expected anything like this. You turned your back on everything we believed in. You betrayed the Alliance. You betrayed me.”

Now to push the knife in and turn the handle. “Yes, and I would do it a thousand times again if it meant I got to stop the Collectors. The missions comes first. Nothing else matters.” Her own biotic powers flared to life and tried to reach for Kaidan, but she held it at bay.

Kaidan looked like she’d just slapped him, and Shepard congratulated herself on a job well done. “You're different, Shepard, and not in a good way. And there is no way in hell I would ever trust Cerberus. How could you be working with them after everything they’ve done? They can be using the threat of the Reapers to manipulate _you_. What if they’re behind it? What if they’re working with the Collectors?”

“Damn it, Kaidan! You’re so focused on Cerberus that you’re ignoring the real threat.” Garrus sounded angry for real now, and Shepard took a deep breath to keep her own cool. She couldn’t lose it if she was going to manage this deception. Kaidan needed to be away from her, right now. She wasn’t safe. This mission would likely end up with all of them dead for real, and Kaidan didn’t need any more of that shit in his life. She was almost sad she had seen him again, because it would have been better if he still believed her dead. It would only hurt him again when she died again now. Fuck, but love was a cruel fucker. She only hoped she had burned it all out of Kaidan by now. 

“I can see you won’t listen to reason.” She wrinkled her nose at him, and he narrowed her eyes in anger. Their biotic powers were pushing against each other, and she felt those familiar tingles all over her body. It took her back to their night together, but she quickly pushed it aside. That was years ago, for him if now for her. Fuck. 

“You show up after two years and tell me you’re working with Cerberus. Where does reason figure in any of this?” He hissed without anything in his eyes other than anger and hate, and she congratulated herself on a job well done. “You’ve changed, but I still know where my loyalties lie. I’m an Alliance soldier, always will be. I’ve got to report back to the Citadel. They can decide if they believe your story or not.”

“I would have asked you to help me, but… I guess this is a no.” She felt sick because of this cruel deception, but she hit herself mentally and ordered herself to deal with it. His life was more important than some fucked up feelings. The streets had taught her feelings were for those with the luxury to feel them, and she didn’t have this luxury. She was trying to take down the Collectors, and feelings couldn’t get in the way of this. 

“You’re right. I’ll never work for Cerberus, and I have my own mission. My own responsibilities. Good bye, Shepard. And be careful.” Kaidan looked almost like his old self when he said those last words, and for a second Shepard felt her body move towards him. With a vicious mental kick she pulled herself back together, but had to bite her lip not to beg Kaidan to come back and help her. This feeling was foreign and strange, and with a quiet sigh she tore her gaze away.

“Joker, send the shuttle to pick us up. I’ve had enough of this colony.” She sounded dead tired as she said this, and her friends had to catch her as he stamina left her. The fight against the Collectors and then this emotional turmoil had drained her reserves. They watched her with worry as the shuttle carried them away from Horizon, and she couldn’t blame them as her biotics reached for someone that were no longer there. 

***

_Shepard,_  
I’m sorry for what I said on Horizon. I spent two years pulling myself back together after you went down with the Normandy. It took me a long time to get over my guilt for surviving and move on. I’d finally let my friends talk me into going out for drinks with a doctor on the Citadel. Nothing serious, but trying to let myself have a life again, you know?  
Then I saw you, and everything pulled hard to port. You were standing in front of me, but you were with Cerberus. I guess I really don’t know who either of us is anymore. Do you even remember that night before Ilos? That night meant everything to me… maybe it meant as much to you. But a lot has changed in the last two years and I can’t just put that aside.  
But please be careful. I’ve watched too many people close to me die -- on Eden Prime, on Virmire, on Horizon, on the Normandy. I couldn’t bear it if I lost you again. If you’re still the woman I remember, I know you’ll find a way to stop these Collector attacks. But Cerberus is too dangerous to be trusted. Watch yourself.  
When things have settled down a little… maybe… I don’t know. Just take care.  
\--Kaidan 

She read this and felt numb all over, and her insides were completely empty. Without thought she pushed the reply button and started writing. 

_Kaidan,_  
You have nothing to apologize for. I want you to have all the best, and if that means you move on with your life then all the better. I will cause you nothing but pain in the long run, so find something else. Something real that makes you feel amazing. That makes you feel alive. Human. I want that for you, please. It has been two years for you, after all, while I just woke up as if from a dream. The Normandy blowing up was just yesterday for me, and it’s still raw and very real for me, but that is something I’ll have to deal with. Please, move on. I will likely not make it back from this mission anyway.  
I miss you, Jane 

Someone shouted for her attention and she never pushed send, and as the days rolled by the reply was soon self-deleted as was Kaidan’s message. She never wondered why or how, and was happy she wouldn’t have to dwell on it. Her mind had to be in the game, and Kaidan was a dangerous distraction. An amazing distraction, but not something she would allow herself to feel. He was not for her no matter what her feelings were telling her. Dying and coming back to life was no reason for her to accept her feelings and start acting on them, she never had before and she wouldn’t start now.


	4. For It All To End

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It always pissed me off that it took THIS FUCKING LONG for Kaidan to trust Shepard. I was all like, WHAT THE HELL is this! Kaidan you fucker! Shepard has done nothing but good shite so far you stupid a**hole!

“Gunmen. Get down! Go!” 

She could hear Kaidan in the elevator, and as she kept her distance to give him some room to maneuver while she smiled to herself. Like Liara had said, the Major sure had become more competent. That he looked like a dream, and talked like an angel, was something she tried very hard to ignore. She might not be in love with him, but her feelings for him had only grown over the many months she’s been away from him. And then to see him hurt… no, she would not go there. She had a job to do, and with a kick she opened the elevator roof and jumped down after the Council. No one was going to be allowed to screw with her Council. She might loathe those irritating councilors, but she still respected what they were doing, and there was no way Udina was going to be allowed to do anything to hurt them. 

“Cerberus took out the shuttle. Everyone back to the elevator! Move!” She could hear Kaidan just up ahead, and she took a deep breath to steel her nerves. “Shepard? What’s going on?”

“Shepard’s blocking our escape! She’s with Cerberus!” Udina tried to undermine her, but she only grinned over at him like a shark. Got you now little fishy. 

Kaidan must have seen her face, because he moved in between her and Udina. Not a very smart move on the Major’s part, because she was willing to shoot to maim him to get to Udina. Cerberus had already killed far too many good people, and it would end here. Now! 

“Just, hang on -- I got this. Everyone calm down.”

“Oh, I am calm.” Shepard hummed, and moved closer to him. Their biotics flared up like they always did when emotions were flying between them, and she smiled softly at the familiar and longed-for sensation. It felt like coming home. “You going to shoot me? Well, I guess I deserve it after everything, but I can’t let you kill me, not yet. I will take Udina down, even if I die trying. Don’t stand in my way, Kaidan.”

“Come on, Shepard. Gun drawn on a Councilor… kinda looks bad.” Kaidan tried to reason, but she could see he understood this was it. If he wanted to stop her he would have to pull the trigger, for real, no joking around. 

“We don’t have time to negotiate.” She growled with impatience. Time was wasted trying to deal with this shit storm. Time she needed to help Earth. Fuck Udina for doing this in the middle of a war for their planet. “You’ve been fooled, all of you. Udina’s behind this attack. The Salarian councilor confirmed it.” Garrus and Tali stood ready at her back, their weapons drawn, but Shepard ordered them to stand down. If someone was pulling a trigger here it was her. 

“Please. You have no proof. You never do.” Udina tried to protect himself, but Shepard only laughed.

“Nice try, Udina.” She grinned, and pointed over her shoulder with a shrug. “There are Cerberus soldiers in the elevator shaft behind us. But if you want to open the door, be my guest, they’ll just kill you all.”

The Asari and Turian councilor looked like they wanted to be anywhere but here, but Shepard was surprised when the Asari councilor said, “We’ve mistrusted Shepard before… and it did not help us.”

Udina looked like he was about to fry her alive with his eyes, but she only grinned at him with a no nonsense look. “We don’t have time to debate this! We’re dead if we stay out here. I’m overriding the lock.”

Kaidan looked between her and Udina and said with a small voice. The Major might have grown up a lot over the years, but he still had a lot to learn. “I better not regret this.”

“You never have trusted me, not even back when we were taking down Saren, and while I know why, I am sick and tired of it, Kaidan.” She sighed tiredly, and Tali placed a hand on her shoulder. At least she could rely on her friends. 

“Yeah, Kaidan. Do the right thing for once, huh?” Garrus growled, and Kaidan looked at them with a frown of confusion and anger. 

“Udina, step away from the console.” Kaidan ordered, but Udina was having none of it and pulled a gun on the Asari councilor. 

“For fuck sake.” Shepard growled and raised her gun at him. Udina was going down so hard. Time was running short, and he was an annoying as fuck distraction. 

“He’s got a gun!” Kaidan said, as if that would make a difference, and Shepard sighed… but she held her shot. She needed Kaidan to do what was necessary, for them all, and when Udina went too far Kaidan took the shot. It didn’t feel good to see him do it, but it was a necessary evil. This was war and Kaiden had to learn to do what needed to be done. They days to save the good people and deeds in the universe were over until the Reapers were nothing more than dust under her heels. Until then she would do anything to end this war, and if she knew she was going to regret some things when this was over… she would probably be dead anyway. For real this time. 

It didn’t make her anxious or scared to think that her days were numbered, because somehow she had given it all up already to be able to end this fight. Her childhood back on Earth, her youth in the military, her innocence the first time she took a life, her first friends to a Thresher Maw, her life to stop the Collectors, and now the only person she had ever loved. Yes, she might have figured out her feelings for the Major finally, but it didn’t matter. Not anymore. It was already too late. It didn’t make her sad, but it did make her feel tired and weary. She was prepared for it all to end, but until then she would fight like hell.


	5. The Promise

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I always thought something like this was what Miranda was about to say to Shepard when they met in that apartment on the Citadel.

“I got your message, Miranda. Is this about your sister?” She entered the apartment with a sense of hurry and impatience running beneath her skin. Earth was still under attack, she had to keep moving. Fuck the dreams and everything else, because time was short. 

“Shepard, I need access to Alliance resources. I can’t say any more. You’ll just have to trust me.” Miranda said with a cautious look, and Shepard frowned.

“You could have asked me this over the vid comm.” She said with impatience, but held her temper under check. “Of course, I’ll give you access. I don’t like the sound of this though, Miranda.”

Her former crew mate smiled and looked relieved. “I know, and thank you. It means a lot.”

Shepard shrugged, “The least I could do. We must stick together to end this war sooner rather than later. That’s not the only thing you wanted to talk about, is it?”

Miranda looked very uncomfortable suddenly, and Shepard looked at her with a deep frown. “No. I need to tell you something. Confess, really. It’s been eating away at me.”

This didn’t sound good. “Confess?”

“When we headed the Lazarus project to rebuild you, we did some modifications to your physiology but nothing major.” Miranda started to explain, and Shepard took a step closer to her.

“You explained all that before. No hard feelings. I understand why and how now. Not that it really matters anymore, the past is the past.” Shepard tried to smile at Miranda, and maybe she succeeded for a second, but Miranda soon looked very serious and worried.

“I did. There’s more to it.”

“Oh?” This sounded like it was going to be Earth shattering and Shepard took the precaution to sit down on the bed. “So, tell me.”

“I don’t know how to say this…”

“Miranda, just say it.” Shepard was getting impatient, for real now, because she had to get back to the Normandy. 

“You were pregnant.” She just said it like that and Shepard froze. 

“I was what?”

“Pregnant.” Miranda whispered softly, and couldn’t look at her.

“I was… Oh shit… Kaidan! Fucking hell!” Shepard was glad that she had been sitting down, because she could feel her body tremble uncontrollable. 

“So, he’s the dad…” Miranda said softly as Shepard tried to process it all. 

“Is? What do you mean _is_ the dad? Miranda, start talking right the fuck now!” Shepard might not be up to standing just yet, but she had found her voice again. The emotions she had buried for years were finally pushing to the surface, making her highly instable and explosive. Her biotics enveloped the whole apartment, and Miranda looked very nervous. 

“Cerberus managed to save the child. Well, the genetic code. They…” Miranda sounded so small, and this was the only reason Shepard didn’t hurt her right there and then.

“Miranda, please tell me they didn’t... I might have to hurt you, badly.” She looked like she was about to burn the whole world to the ground, and Miranda moved closer to the door.

“Shepard, I’m so sorry. Please, just calm down.” Miranda begged, and only Shepard’s legendary focus saved them both at that moment. 

“No.” Was all Shepard said before she shut down all her emotions. “Kaidan is going to burn Cerberus to the ground when he hears this.” Her voice was cold as ice, and Miranda took another step back. “We had a child. I-- I killed it to save my crew.” A high sound of pure pain left her lips, but not a muscle changed on her face.

“Cerberus has the child.” Miranda hurried to explain. “It’s not a weird project or anything. They’re raising her like any other child, but…”

“It’s the perfect bargaining chip.” Shepard breathed deeply, and blinked slowly. “They have my child. Kaidan’s child. I’m going to kill them all… slowly… painfully.” She tried to stand, but her legs couldn’t carry her yet.

“I know where she is.” Miranda said, as she held Shepard down on the bed by the hands on her shoulders.

“You do? Miranda…” It was more of a growl of pure death, but Miranda stood her ground.

“Yes, I know where they keep her.”

“Tell. Me. Now.” Shepard took hold of Miranda’s wrists and pushed her biotics into her.

“I can’t, or you will go chasing her down.” Miranda sounded in pain and more than a little scared, but she didn’t stop. “She needs to be safe, Shepard.”

Shepard looked indecisive for a moment, but she soon found her iron control and took a deep breath. “Miranda, I give you one change to make this right. So, listen to me very carefully. You will find her, and hide her away from everyone. Let Oriana take care of her for now. You keep her safe, or I will hunt you down and kill you and every Cerberus agents that stand in my way.”

Miranda obviously knew she was very close to death right now, and nodded her understanding. “I will, I promise. Shepard, please trust me. I will do everything I can for your child and my sister.” 

Shepard let her go with a nod. This was the best course of action, as Miranda had known from the start. And she knew she could trust Miranda to keep Oriana and her child safe, it was what Miranda did after all. And if Kaidan ever found out about this he was probably going to kill them both for keeping this a secret from him, hiding his daughter away someplace where he couldn’t protect her. It would be the worst betrayal she had ever put in motion, and if she burned in hell for it… than so be it. Their daughter’s safety was more important than their feelings. 

With a hard voice and even harder eyes she turned to Miranda and said, “Protect her and Oriana with your life or I will end you, painfully. And if you or I die make sure Kaidan finds her, please…”

“You have my word. Thank you, Shepard. For everything. And good luck.” Miranda said and fled the apartment.

“Yeah…” She breathed into the empty room, and felt her chest constrict. Suddenly it was very hard to breathe. Not only did she have Kaidan’s love now, but she also had a daughter out there somewhere. How could she even think to die now? She would have to fight to get back to them now, in any way she could. It would take everything in her to manage this, because the Reapers were formidable enemies, but she would try her best. If nothing else she would have to keep Kaidan alive. One parent was better than none. Yes, she could promise herself that at least. Keep Kaidan alive at any cost. 

All of a sudden her chest started hurting like someone was carving into it with a knife, and she thought the feeling might be grief. She was mourning a child she had lost, and a child she would most likely never get to meet, and Kaidan’s reaction to it all. It hurt bad enough to make her gasp in pain as she tried to pull air into her lungs. Only her own hands grasping her hair and rocking back and forth on the floor made her somewhat okay. She didn’t come out of the feeling until she heard Joker’s worried voice in her ear, and then EDI’s composed summary.

“Shepard, you okay? Do you need help?”

“Her heartrate is elevated, and her breathing labored, but otherwise the Commander is physically sound. I can’t give an answer about her mental health though.” EDI sounded like she was worried about that last, and Shepard almost wanted to laugh. 

She must have hit the comm when she lost herself in sensation, and with a weak voice she answered her crew mates. “Joker. Have Steve and James come and pick me up, I know they are close by. Now, please!” She was moments away from doing something stupid, like hunting Miranda down and save her daughter from Cerberus. 

“Right away, Commander.” Joker sounded more composed, but stressed. 

As soon as the connection broke Shepard lost herself in sensations again. It was too much, after months of bad sleep and stress beyond what any normal human being could take. Not to mention the whole coming back to life thing, and then Kaidan’s confession and now… a child. She was not mother material. Lucky their child would have Kaidan there or Shepard would have given up right now. She didn’t give up, but she did give in to the strong feeling consuming her.

Steve and James found her on the floor, shaking, and holding onto herself with a dead look in her eyes. They tried to get in contact with her, but nothing, and they radioed Joker to have the med bay at standby when they came back with the shuttle. They had to carry her out into the shuttle, and it wasn’t until they were on their way to the Normandy she breathed properly and lost consciousness. Steve and James were almost beyond themselves with worry as Joker, EDI, and Dr. Chakwas met them in the hangar bay. The doctor examined Shepard, but only shrugged and shook her head. 

“There’s nothing physically wrong with her. But… what was she doing when this happened?” The doctor asked, and EDI answered with a calm voice.

“The Commander were meeting Miranda Lawson. Giving our former crew mate access codes to Alliance resources.”

“That sounds innocent enough.” Joker frowned, and the others agreed.

“She’s been sleeping badly for weeks now.” It was Kaidan who had joined them, and with gentle hands he pulled Shepard close to himself. She seemed to relax more when he held her, and the others took a deep breath of relief. 

“EDI told me most of it.” Kaidan hummed as he stroked Shepard’s back with biotically charged hands. She had told him she found their combined energies was very soothing, and soon the tense body in his arms relaxed against him.

“She was almost catatonic when we found her.” Steve looked really worried, and James only nodded in agreement.

“I will let her rest, and then I will see if she’s up to talking.” Kaidan said with confidence, and the doctor nodded her agreement. 

“If anything changes, or if she doesn’t wake up, contact me.” 

“Of course, doctor.” Kaidan smiled over at her and held Shepard even closer. He knew what pressure she was under right now, and he knew she hardly slept, but he’d seen she could handle that. Something else must have happened. “Thanks for getting her here, to me.”

“No problems, Major.” Cortez said as he and James left, and Joker only nodded and went back to the bridge with EDI close behind.

“What happened, love?” Kaidan asked a still unconscious Shepard, but he got no answer, and instead he scoped her up into his arms and made his way to their shared quarters. He would watch over her until she came back, but it was easier said than done and soon they were both asleep.


	6. All That Matters

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The end conversation between Shepard and Kaiden lacked everything important. I mean come on, what even were the writers thinking!? Because the conversation between Shepard and Garrus will always be the most epic one ever whether you romanced him or not. There is no Shepard without Vakarian indeed~ ALL THE FEELS!

“I’ll never forget that first night we bunked together.” Shepard whispered against Kaidan’s lips and held him close. Kaidan sighed happily and opened up to her, moving his hands in under her shirt. 

“Yeah, of course not. I mean, I was… pretty spectacular, if I remember right.” He teased as she climbed onto his lap, and she laughed long and hard while she nibbled on his neck. Virile, if nothing else.

“Mm-hmm. Whatever you say, dear.” She sounded unimpressed, and Kaidan was about to protest loudly when Shepard whispered into his ear, “You’re exactly what I need right now, Kaidan. You always are.”

“I lied. I didn’t come here for a quick drink.” He sounded so happy and mischievous, and Shepard kissed him long and hard for it. He felt amazing under her, like always, but this time it felt better than normal. She still didn’t know how to tell him about their daughter, but just the knowledge they had one made her head spin and her feelings fly all over the place.

“You mean everything to me, Kaidan.” She said before she bit his lip, and held onto his head -- forcing them to look each other in the eyes. “I love you so much.”

Kaidan looked close to tears as he breathed deeply and held her gaze without any reservation or hesitation. “I’ve always loved you. Through all these years, through… through everything… I’m the luckiest man alive.” 

Oh hell, if he only knew the truth. He would be such a good dad, she just knew it, but… she couldn’t tell him. She wanted to, because Kaidan leaving the war to look after their daughter would have made her life complete. Problem was, she really needed him at the front lines. She needed that incentive and support, or she might just give up. And that, that wasn’t acceptable. To know she had to keep him alive through this last battle would spur her to pull it off, and if she called Joker to take Kaidan out of the fight earlier than expected then no one needed to know the reason but her. Oh fuck, but it was going to hurt to leave him behind to finish it. The likelihood her getting out of this war alive very slim, but she wouldn’t regret giving her life for him… and their child. A daughter. Who would have thought. Commander Shepard, a mum. So strange. But wonderful.

She was lost in thought as she held on to him, almost leaving bruises, and after a while he caressed her cheeks with a, “Hey-hey-hey! Where did you go, love?”

With tears in her eyes she looked down at him with all the love she had in her, and with half a sob she started kissing him desperately. “Kaidan. Oh, fuck, I love you so much.”

“I know. Shh, I know. I always knew.” He tried to sooth her, to slow things down, but she was too lost in her feelings. She desperately needed Kaidan close and under her. While they undressed he asked her what was going on, but she kept her quiet and he didn’t push. Soon they were both naked and Kaidan’s body under hers made her biotic flare to life, and his power rose up to meet hers like always. It felt like fingers running all over her skin at the same time and she threw her head back and moaned in ecstasy. She wouldn’t trade this feeling for anything, and when Kaidan gasped in pleasure as well she felt her wetness escape her to cover his lower stomach. The sensation had them both groan and she licked her lips as she moved her wet sex against his. There was nothing more she wanted right now but to feel him inside her like before. It made her shiver all over, and with a deep breath she sank down on his erect flesh. It made Kaidan hiss and grab her hips hard enough to bruise, but she welcomed the sensation. 

“You… Oh, shit.” Kaidan tried to speak, but she didn’t want to hear anything from him right now but moans, so she rolled her hips and Kaidan forgot everything. His eyes rolled up in his head as she continued to ride him, and with clever fingers she found that spot on his neck that was super sensitive and pushed down hard. It made him buck under her, making her smile, and she could feel him grow even harder in her. It made her feel powerful and complete, and when he desperately hung on to her as she nibbled on his neck and grinned to herself. Her sweet and kind soldier. 

She could feel when he was getting close, because their biotic powers started to crackle between them and with a last long lick of his chin and a deep kiss he came inside her with a deep growl. Her movements above him helped to drag out his orgasm into the realm of overstimulation and pain, but he just let her do it and she loved him even more for it. There was nothing sweeter than his surrender. His complete trust and devotion a powerful aphrodisiac, and with a last roll of her hips she threw her head back and came too. He kissed her everywhere he could reach as she came down from her high, and with a deep content sigh she relaxed completely against him.

The desire to tell him about their daughter had never been this strong before, and she had to fight herself desperately to not say anything. Kaidan noticed something amiss as he helped her off his lap and into bed, and he asked her about it, but she just shook her head and cuddled close. If she opened her mouth now it would all be over. Shit!

“Jane, I know there is something you want to say.” Kaidan whispered into her hair, and she could feel herself tear up from the emotions in his voice. “But I won’t pressure you into telling me. Just know I am here for you.”

“Kaidan…” She gasped and started shaking. “I can’t…” The last was said with half a sob, and Kaidan hushed her and stroked her back with his biotically charged hands. It made her relax against him, and with a deep shaky sigh she slowly fell asleep. When she breathed slowly against him Kaidan looked at her with worry for a long time before he too succumbed to sleep with a small frown on his face. He knew it was something very important Shepard was keeping quiet about, but he didn’t know how to make her open up. And while he slept he dreamt of her dying again and again in his arms.

***

They had said their goodbyes and she knew this was her last chance, ever, to say what really mattered. After this moment it would always be too late, and she gathered her courage with a deep breath. But her nerves gave out on her and she only said, “So… take care, Major.” 

Kaidan was having none of it though and pulled her close with a deep kiss. It made her body tingle and her heart melt, and when he whispered, “I can’t lose you again.” She broke away with tears running down her face. 

“I know.” She whispered, and hugged him close as she said the only words that ever really mattered in this fucked up universe. “Miranda Lawson knows everything.”

“What? Shepard?” Kaidan looked confused, but she only kissed that look off his face and caressed his face before she turned away. “Jane?”

“I’ll meet you on the other side.” She said over her shoulder as she tried to ignore his pleas. 

“Jane… Yes. Always.” He sounded a bit scared, and maybe a little hurt, but she never turned around to confirm it. It would be too much if she had to see his expressions even once more, because she wasn’t sure she would be able to let him go -- ever -- if she did. At least she had given him what he needed to save their daughter if she died today. It would have to be enough. 

It hurt like hell to walk away, her chest heavy, and her heart breaking.


	7. The Right Decision

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This ending is always so damn satisfying.

“Shepard!” Kaidan shouted over the noise and death, and she turned to see his hand reaching for her.

She shook her head with determination and said firmly, “You gotta get out of here.”

“Yeah, that’s not gonna happen.” Kaidan was about to be stubborn and she looked at Garrus holding on to Kaidan with burning eyes. Garrus got the message loud and clear and the Turian held on to Kaidan as her lover tried to get to her.

“Don’t argue with me, Kaidan.” She looked over her shoulder and saw Harbinger, and with a shudder she heard Kaidan’s low plea. 

“Don’t leave me behind…” 

He sounded so pitiful and she wished she could take him with her, so they could go down together, but she needed him to live. To stay alive and well. For her. For their daughter. Fuck, but he was hurt bad from that explosion. With firm steps she took hold of his precious face and rested her forehead against his as she said, “No matter what happens… know that I love you. That we love you. Always.”

“Jane, what?” Kaidan looked confused and hurt, but she let go of him and backed away. “I love you too. Be careful…”

Those last words travelled down her spine and flared to life inside her heart, and with a smile she waved them to leave. “Joker! Go! Take off!” She heard a confirmation in her ear, and with a last look at Kaidan she ran away from her family. At least the Normandy would get to live another day. It was all that mattered in the end. That the universe as they knew it got to live. Her life was worth nothing in comparison.

As she ran towards the beam she thought she heard Kaidan’s voice over the comm yelling, “Get me Miranda Lawson on the comm right the fuck now!” Huh, but Kaidan never swore. That was the last thought she had before all hell broke loose. 

***

The AI stood before her, mocking her and her allies. Telling her they would never make it. Telling her they would make the same mistake again and again. What the AI didn’t understand was that they all deserved the fucking chance. No civilization had had the chance to make it right. Fifty thousand years was not a long time to get it right, and therefore she walked towards the power cells with a new determination. This AI was going down. Thousands of civilizations deserved some fucking payback, and with her gun held high she destroyed the AI with a grin. Beaten by a lesser being. 

Well, fuck off you fucked up AI! She thought and laughed as the power cells started to burn and explode. This was right. At least she wouldn’t regret this decision. Even if the rest of her life was full of them. And with a last long look at Earth she lost consciousness.


	8. Plus One

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is how the ending should have been. So there!

“You got it? Tell me you got it, Cortez?!” Kaidan was standing on the bridge of the Normandy, hurt and covered in blood, but ignoring it all to function. He was the second in command, now when Shepard was absent, and he took his job very seriously. 

“Yes, I’ve got it. Keep it together Kaidan!” They heard over the comm, and Joker smiled up at Kaidan as the Major almost whooped with joy. The rest of the crew on the Normandy were hoovering nearby, waiting anxiously for Kaidan to fill them in.

“Fuck, sorry, Cortez. Just hurry!” Kaidan had been swearing more during the last hour than ever before, and the crew knew something big was going on. They had never seen the Major this focused or in control before, and they looked on in awe as he took his place on the Normandy. 

“I’m on route. Going silent.” Cortez voice came over the comm with a deadly focus, and Kaidan grinned down at Joker.

“Joker, head for the beam.”

“You want us to…” Joker looked at the Crucible and then towards Earth, but Kaidan only starred him down. 

“Now, Joker. No time to lose. Take us in!”

“Aye, aye, Major.” Joker saluted, and EDI quickly turned the Normandy towards London.

The rest of the crew had caught on, and Dr. Chakwas was running down to the med bay with Liara on her heels. If they were doing this, then they needed everything prepared and ready. Garrus took up a position next to Kaidan and smiled over at him with approval. 

No one got left behind. 

“I don’t know if I should hug you or kick your ass. Sir.” Garrus whispered to Kaidan, and the Major only looked at Garrus without moving a muscle. “That signal…”

“A tracking device.” Kaidan answered, and the rest of the crew looked at him with surprise. “I planted in under her skin one night when the Commander had had a little too much to drink.”

“You.” Garrus laughed long and hard. “I never thought you had the balls… Major.” 

“You do have some good advice every now and again, asshole.” Kaidan smiled at Garrus, and they both did a high five and chuckled.

“I can’t believe you did that?” Tali sounded both impressed and upset, but Kaidan only shrugged.

“There is no way I’m leaving the Commander behind, again.” He sounded dead serious, and the rest of the crew kept their mouths shut.

“Normandy, ready for pickup.” It was James' voice all of a sudden, but Kaidan held his questions 'til later. Now was not the time. 

“Joker, open the hangar bay. Dr. Chakwas, stand by.” Kaidan’s voice held nothing but authority and conviction, and they all watched him with a new-found admiration. They could see why Shepard thought him important enough to risk everything for.

It was then they heard Hackett’s voice over the comm, “All fleets, the Crucible is armed. Disengage and fall back to the rendezvous point. I repeat, disengage and get the hell out of here!”

“We can see that.” Joker mumbled as he kept the Normandy steady a little too close to the beam for comfort. “I mean, only a blind fool could miss the giant contraption lightning up like a fucking Christmas tree.” He growled as he closed the hangar bay and turned the Normandy towards safe harbour.

“Joker, go!” It was Steve down in the hangar bay, and Kaidan echoed the sentiment. 

“Going. I’m going. EDI prepare to land asap. We’re going to need a Reaper free zone.” Joker punched the drive core to get them there quickly and EDI soon had a course plotted. 

Without a backward glance Kaidan were running towards the med bay, with most of the crew on his heels, and only Joker and EDI stayed behind to fly the ship. They would have to land somewhere safe on Earth before whatever happened at the Crucible knocked them out of the sky.

“Tell me all about it later, hey guys!?” Joker shouted after them. “The commander is one hell of a bastard though…” He said to himself, and EDI smiled over at him.

Kaidan didn’t hear Joker, or anything, as he forewent the elevator and took the faster way down to crew deck. All he could think about was getting to Jane before it was too late. He was going to kill her, if she wasn’t already dead. Keeping their daughter hidden from him. His insides were burning with rage and worry. Lucky Miranda had been fighting somewhere he couldn't reach her or he would have hurt her, badly.

As the med bay doors opened he was about to rush in, but Liara stood in his way. She had put up a biotic barrier to keep them all out. She knew the crew very well, after all. With an angry growl he was about to tear it down with brute force when he heard Dr. Chakwas voice over the chaos in his head.

“Kaidan! Stay put. That’s an order!” She said with the medical authority on her side, and he felt himself deflate. His biotics flickered and died off and he didn’t know what to do with himself. Liara looked at him with worry, but ordered the doors to close behind her. 

He understood the necessity of doing what they did, they needed to be able to work in peace, but he felt weak and lost. Lucky him Garrus and Tali caught him when his legs gave out under him, and he slumped to the floor with an exhausted sigh. To have Shepard this close, but at the same time so far away made him crazy. He couldn't lose her again, it would drive him insane.

It wasn’t until Steve and James hunched down before him that he looked up. “Oh, Steve... James... Thank you guys.”

“Kaidan.” Steve was smiling softly, as was James, and Kaidan frowned. “She was breathing. It’s not over yet.”

“Thank fuck.” Kaidan swore and closed his eyes, they were tearing up, and a soft sob broke away from his closed lips. His emotions had been all over the place since he talked to Miranda, and finally he could relax some. His daughter was safe, and his beloved were being taken care of. The love he had for them were burning strong, but at the same time he was furious at Jane. They all kept quiet as Kaidan tried to pull himself together, and when he'd dried his tears and raised his head they could all see a fire burning there. “I’m going to kill her.”

“Okay, that was… different.” Garrus said with a worried expression, but the rest of them kept quiet because Kaidan sure looked like he could kill someone. Like, right now.

“She kept her from me.” Kaidan growled, and started to glow with biotic energy.

“Kept who from you?” Garrus was the only one brave enough to face Kaidan head on, and they could see the Major respected that.

“My daughter. Shepard kept our daughter from me.” Kaidan’s biotics made them all tingle with unleashed power, and that statement shocked them all to the core.

“She what now?” Garrus looked like he couldn’t compute those words, and they all felt the same. 

“Wait? You two have a daughter?” It was James, and Kaidan growled with pure rage.

“I am going to end her.” Kaidan hissed, and was about to use his biotics to make his way into the med bay when the ship lurched. 

“EDI! You okay?" Joker's voice was wavering as it came over the comm. "Oh fuck. Everyone brace for an emergency landing. We're almost at the safe zone. Hold on!” They rushed to get themselves seated and buckled in.

Only Kaidan made his way to the med bay and quickly pushed both Liara and Dr. Chakwas into their respective seats and buckled them in. They complained, of course, but Kaidan only stared them down. He then made sure Shepard was strapped to the bed, and tried to ignore the sight of her banged and beaten up before him. There were only seconds to spare as he found his own seat and then the ship lurched one last time and hit the ground hard. Both Kaidan and Liara were pushing their biotic barriers outwards as the ship crashed with more force than the hull could take. Their barriers helped save them all, and the ship came to a stop with only minor damage in comparison to what could have happened. 

"We landed somewhere in the BC interior." Joker's strained voice came over the comm, and it sounded like he had broken probably a few ribs if not all of them. The doctor was out of her seat in no time with Liara close behind, and together then took care of Shepard and Joker respectively. Kaidan only looked on as people rushed to and fro before him, his head spinning and a migraine forming behind his eyes.

“Oh hell…” Kaidan tried to keep himself focused, but he knew that huge barrier had pushed his systems into shock. Too much power pushed outwards for too long. With a tired sigh he let himself fall unconscious. He needed the rest. Jane would just have to wait for him to kick her ass later.

Damn, but he loved that woman. 

Always.

The End


End file.
